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When Jeff Comes Home
 

"In the fraternity of worldly men, American women are reputed to be the worst possible mates on the face of this planet."

While trolling the Internet (and there's a lot of troll-saving time done by bookmarking and checking regularly www.cruel.com -- which is where this little gem came from) I came across the site I've just linked. For a while I've been of the mind that maybe men are getting the short end of the stick. The Internet, although designed by mostly male geeks to correspond with similar geekdom, rather lends itself more to women -- we're better and more experienced with the diaries, we're bonding a lot better thanks to lots of discussion groups, and in general we've got a hell of a lot more to be cheesed off about than men. So I'm a happy member of Heartless Bitches, and even quite often enjoy their site. I've run across loads of other similarly-themed places, where men get the fat end of the bat for being such incommunicado lugs who turn right around and wonder what's up with all the women, how come they don't fetch no more like they used to? And I'd actually been thinking that maybe we, women that is, had been unfair somehow. That it was too easy to blame men for the trouble in the world, to lump them all somehow in one big abusive/neglectful/Homeriffic (Simpson, that is) pot.

Then I found "To Russia For Love," the site Frank R. Coleman (let's not forget that middle initial, Frankie) has put up in support of his book, which basically tells lazy men with too much free money and time how they can go purchase -- that is, meet -- the woman of their dreams courtesy of Russia. So let's go on a little critical odyssey of the front page of Frank's web site:

"American men will make many costly and sad mistakes when they choose to pursue a Russian wife. This  book started as a simple chronicle of my trip to Moscow in August  of 1997 and has expanded to be a guidebook as to how to avoid the potential pitfalls that this adventure can present. As one who unconsciously lived by the motto: Procrastinate...Now!, I can honestly state that the biggest mistake that an American man can make is to delay or even take a pass on the wonderful opportunity that the women of the former Soviet Union offer to the man interested in having the woman of his dreams."

Sounds like a reasonable enough beginning. Hey, look, you want a mail order bride, buying one has never been easier! And it's easy pickins in a country whose economics are in the toilet and desperate women who'd rather not have all their teeth fall out due to malnutrition or their children starve to death or get shot by the mob in front of them would naturally want to grab on to any thread of hope -- oh, sorry, "fall in love" -- with whoever came down the pike, so long as he was an American with more than four rubles in his pocket. Hungry and desperate and hopeless always translates into an easy love match. So, we're not so far off base at this point.

   "'If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you've always got!'"

This is Frank's axiom to existence. Memorize it. Love it. Live with it. He's a genius. Entropy as the meaning of life.

"In 1993 I first learned about the availability of women from Russia and their interest in American men as husbands. At that time I believed that a man would have to be really desperate to seek a wife outside of the confines of his own country. Guess what?"

You were right? Oh, wait, no, there's more....

"Desperate times lead to desperate measures and for the American male, we are in desperate times!"

Desperately.

"I won't go into the depths of frustration that most men encounter in trying to deal with the game playing, mind twisting, manipulative, mal(e)content, gender-confused women in our society today."

As opposed to the commitment-phobic, irresponsible, perpetually stuck in adolescence, game playing, manipulative, malcontent men in our society today? I love the "gender-confused" part: You can almost hear him thinking Them wimmin need to be in the kitchen and  pumpin' out my chilluns. Soon's they figured out there's other rooms in the house 'ceptin the bedroom, we's all been fucked soundly.Apparently any woman who thinks for herself is confused about her gender. If Frank's an example of a man, I sure hope some real men are starting to question their own gender identification.

"Unfortunately, it took me three and a half years to learn this simple lesson: If what you are doing isn't working, do something else!"

Oh, there's that axiom again. Got it memorized yet?

"It  is not necessary to delve into the problems that contemporary American women present, except to say that in the fraternity of worldly men, American women are reputed to be the worst possible mates on the face of this planet."

But we make excellent dinner companions.

"In 1997 I bought my first addresses from an agency that I believe exists to separate men from their  money while offering nothing but false hope and, quite possibly, bogus addresses."

So, he heard about Russian women for sale -- achem, for love -- about two years after the fall of Communism ... but still waited another four to get an address ... three of which were apparently spent with the gender-confused locals ... seems to me Frank doesn't exactly act with due haste. Plus, there's a missing year there. Was he not dating the gender-confused locals then, or was he actually in a (dare we believe it) happy relationship that went suddenly sour and left him bitter? Oh, not that.

"Undaunted, with no results from my twelve excellently written letters,"

No ego goes unturned for Frank. 

"I bought addresses from  another agency, European Connections and was well satisfied with my response rate. The tour company that I used for my trip to Moscow is located in  Kentucky and was chosen for its reputation and tour schedule. Neither of these companies was flawless in my experience, however, they both worked for me. There are hundreds of services that you may utilize and each man must blaze his own trail."

Yee haw! Strike out for the territories, pardner, we're saddlin' up for the ride of our lives! There's pussy in them thar hills!

"Included in "The Agencies" are a number of companies that exist specifically to assist  you in pursuing a foreign bride and those that are included have chosen to reach out to the readers of this book. I include my history with gentlemen's catalogues that  produced letters from over 900 different women in an eighteen month period."

Isn't it funny how quickly sordid matters like bride-purchasing and places like strip clubs revert to the euphemism "gentlemen," as if to try and convince themselves that they're not really jerks because they have to pay to get laid?

"This work will provide you the intellectual material you need to have to successfully pursue your own adventure in an informed manner."

I love those adventures you go on that are well-planned and thought out in advance.

"Lest you believe that Russian  women offer a panacea for the American man, be advised that you could be opening Pandora's Box. To educate you in this subject, I include a wonderful chapter from an informed woman's perspective, The Ten Dumbest Things I've Seen American Men Do in Pursuing a Russian Wife. Also included in this book are chapters dealing with two vastly different results obtained by two well-intentioned guys who beat a path to Russia in 1997 and 1998."

In other words, they got taken after realizing the "dumb bimbos" they thought they were buying -- sorry, falling in love with -- were actually smarter than they were, and took them for all of their money. Pandora rules, man. You get what you pay for, that's my axiom.

 "Most men are reticent about  pursuing the opportunity that Russian women present, and it truly is beyond the psychological grasp of some.The cost factor, when you consider the importance of finding a soul-mate with whom to experience life, is not beyond the reach of the average working American. There are many men who make thirty-five thousand dollars a year or less who have successfully found their ideal mates in the countries of  the former Soviet Union. It is  not uncommon for men to regard this adventure as an investment and when you consider that the quality of your life is most greatly impacted by the one with whom you choose to spend it, what better investment can you make?"

Screw the Beatles. Money can buy you love. Well, it can buy you sex, and for most of these sad cases, that's essentially the same thing.

"I estimate that there are at least thirty million single or unhappily married men who would be well served to look to Russia for a  life-partner."

Russian women: Not just for single men any more. Dump your old American broad/dead weight and saddle up!

"Unfortunately, the number of frustrated men  is growing at a rate unprecedented in our history."

According to reports from the Centers for Disease Control and Johns Hopkins. May I see that study, please?

"Whether you credit the times (our culture) or spoiled women for this  phenomenon, it exists never the less and to tolerate it only serves to perpetuate the problem."

That's what's wrong with America. I get it. We're all spoiled women because we'd like to not be pandered to, patronized or assumed to be somehow inferior because we can't write in the snow. If that's being spoiled, then no wonder something smells rotten.

"I find it ironic that with all of the great equality American women have achieved that there are very few businesses that exist to promote them to foreign men (or foreign men to them)."

Um, because the vast majority of women don't equate purchasing power with quality of a "mate"? Because we like to get to know people before deciding to have wild bunny sex and/or get married? Herein is the crux of the male/female difference. Just one sentence, and one very confused individual.

"This adventure has opened my eyes to the fact that American men are perceived to be among the best husbands, providers and "real" men in the world, and I have learned that Russian women have much they could teach their American counterparts."

According to the same CDC study, I guess. Who's doing this quality of husbandship study, anyway? I'd personally think French husbands would be quite something, when you get right down to it. And how do the Canadians feel about this? As for learning from my Russian counterpart, living in abject poverty in an apartment the size of a shoebox and being watched over by the mafia and the government and not having a job teaches you major survival skills. Yeah, that's stuff I'd love to get immersed in.

 "Some critics may find the pursuit of a Russian wife to be a ridiculous proposition because it is extraordinary when a man consciously manipulates his circumstances in matters of the heart, which is something our women have always done."

So we're manipulative ... but we've always done it that way ... and so men should do the same thing ... shit, I'm too spoiled to understand Frankie.

"I have found that it is a pleasant challenge to deliberately and consciously have my head do the initial screening of wife "candidates" and this whole undertaking is deliberate. In looking overseas for a wife, American men are following a pioneering tradition that is well established by our forefathers. The west was settled by men who imported women from eastern states, and many of  these brave souls never met before they made the conscious decision to marry their eventual spouse. Our world is a smaller place than our predecessors had and via modern technology, our ability to communicate with women in remote areas of the world is better than our forefathers could ever  imagine. Our forefathers brought women west because they had a shortage of  women, and our contemporary men are following this example for reasons other than a physical shortage."

Heh, heh. Physical shortage. I sense Frank deals with a lot of "physical shortage" problems. Yee hah! Saddle up....

"For the purpose of this book, I refer to all of the women of the former Soviet Union as Russian women., but the Soviet Union was a multinational society comprised of people with over two hundred languages and dialects. To stereotype the ladies from these fifteen different republics as being all cut  from the same cloth would be somewhat misleading."

But it is fine to group all American women as being cut from the same cloth, cause we're manipulative and spoiled.

"The term Russian is convenient and practical only from the standpoint that the vast majority of the women from the former Soviet Union with whom you are likely to come into contact will speak or understand the Russian language as either their native or second language; hence the use of the term Russian woman."

It's a phrase, you dolt, not a "term." And it just indicates how much reductive thinking you're willing to do to get yourself some tail.

"As a middle aged man who is vitally interested in a 25 year old girl, I don't presume to tell you what you should want in the woman of your dreams."

Until now, it's all been about the "women." On a personal level, however, this middle-aged guy wants a 25 year old girl. Beware the man who calls any female individual over the age of 18 a "girl," and beware any woman over that age who insists on being considered a "girl." Frank's into young 'uns. Once they hit 30, they expire like old milk and should be discarded before their spoiledness can be smelled.

"You'll get plenty of unsolicited advice if you disclose your quest to the wrong American women."

Damn straight!

"I do provide some insight as to how you can identify insincere women who are only looking to you as an escape mechanism."

Is there any other reason you'd want to leave the country of your birth, your friends and family, your language and heritage behind? Give me a break. The ones who seem more convincing are just actnig better. (And more power to 'em. Strip these dolts of every penny they've got. They already think you're a self-serving whore, so may as well make out clean in the bargain.)

"This book is about my experience, and I hope that it makes your adventure more enlightened. Whether you pursue this quest for a life-mate or are just looking for a great vacation, you will discover the simple truth why so many American men are now flocking to Russia: Russian women are simply better at being women than American women are!"

Das vedanya, Frankie.

My point being this: There are vast generalizations being made by both Frank and myself here, but I don't see any reason to start stomping on the women around whom you grew up just because you don't understand them and aren't interested in spending the time to find out why. Just because you're stuck in the 1880s and the rest of us have moved into the new century doesn't mean all of the women here are wrong. It might just mean that you yourself have some growing up to do. This kind of stuff makes me mad, but it also makes me laugh. It also reminds me again that the sites out there like Heartless Bitches ... they're not all that far off, when it gets down to it.

Meanwhile, I spent the latter part of my afternoon at the set of the show I cover for the magazine I cover it for. How's that for roundabout. They were taking pictures for the cover of an upcoming issue. Here's one of the polaroids they took before taking some of the official photos, kind of a practice picture. I'm not all that into the clothes, but they are some very nice looking people, I must say. Funny as hell and very, very conscious of how they look in front of the camera. Three hours later, however, and I was dyin' to get home.

Night night!